tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
