OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I will pee on everything he values.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
