He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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