I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
