oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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