First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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