Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
