Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
