look no pants
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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