dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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