I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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