I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
