I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
