Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
