dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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