dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
