Ambien. No doubt about it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
