I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
