I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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