Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
