I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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