i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
