I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
