Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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