Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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