I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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