just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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