mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
