if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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