What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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