i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
