why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
