how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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