I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
