Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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