if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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