how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
