Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
