We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
