the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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