I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
