Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
