I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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