i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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