Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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