News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
