3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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