So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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