She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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