I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
